I knew that changing gears and going to working a full-time job would change things.
After everything that has changed this year….everything that has changed since about 14 months ago really…..I figured that what it would change would be pretty minor in the grand over-all of things. It is pretty hard to top some of the life changing parts on the last 14 or so months.
But even knowing all of this, even truly believing the friend that advised me, that told me this job would change things, would change how I work, (I pretty much always believe her), the thing I never thought about was ‘how’ things would change.
I have battled with much of this since I started this job. But it wasn’t until yoga class on Thursday that I think I finally realized what I needed to accept. Yeah, it is probably really cliché to have “revelations” during yoga class. Honestly, I usually don’t have them. But I think after practicing for the 8 months I have been, I am finally getting to the point of getting my brain to just shut-up-and-breath. And then as I’m leaving, the thoughts that I was able to shove off to the side for the last 90 minutes of my life, appear back again, completely sorted out, with a “yeah, this is how it will be now, so just deal with it ok?”
I wish I could say this happened all the time. But, no.
But it happened Friday.
With this job has come amazing opportunities, awesome people to work with, and thousands of stories that really are probably only funny to me, and maybe a few other people who know or can imagine the cast of characters that surround me the minute I walk in the door there. But also with it has come a new way of looking at my free time, and a new sense of what is really important.
When I wasn’t working, I was careful to not take for granted the vast amounts of time that was gifted to me, that I had to work on my artwork, to spend with friends and family, to just be. I created a lot during that time, and I have no regrets.
Now that I am working, that time is precious. And I am quickly learning what parts are important to me to continue working on…and what parts I am ok with giving up on. I have felt crazed the last few weeks trying to settle into a new job and finishing up jobs I committed to before I got this job….and while I am proud and grateful for every opportunity I have had up until now, and happy to do that work….I’m also honestly looking forward to having a break from it.
And while I realize that there are going to be moments….many moments….when it will be hard….extremely hard in some cases….but there are things and people who I have to say “no, I can’t do that job anymore” to. And I can’t even pretend that is going to be easy….but I have to. And I want to. As hard as some of these changes have been, I have realized that subconsciously, I was ready for it. I was ready to focus on one thing, plus my artwork (which is second nature to me…something I have to do…and something that is changing as well with all of this….) and most of all, taking time to stop working and be with John. It makes me sad to admit it, but in 12 years of being married to this awesome person, I never always stopped working to just be with him. Yes, I would sometimes, but not enough.
So, there have been a lot of changes around here. And there will be a lot more. And you will probably little by little notice those changes and shifts around this little website. But, for once, I at least feel like I can walk with those changes in peace, instead of always feeling like I have to fight against them.